


it's a bitter world and I'd rather dream

by foggys_cupcake_girl



Series: Kinktober 2020 [13]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies) RPF
Genre: AND I DO MEAN HEAVY Y'ALL, Angst and Feels, Colin Farrell needs a hug, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Ezra Miller is MASSIVELY SELFISH, Ezra Miller is their own warning, Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, I don't even know how to tag this angst you guys aaagh help me, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kinktober, Lapdance, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, One-Sided Relationship, Oral Sex, Post-Coital Cuddling, Tender Sex, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension, and doesn't realize they're hurting Colin, but not for Colezra, happy ending implied for Graves/Credence, someone please give Colin a hug and some kebabs, there may be some gaslighting in here?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:27:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggys_cupcake_girl/pseuds/foggys_cupcake_girl
Summary: Ezra might be young and naive, but Colin definitely isn't. He knows Ezra is after fun, not love. But he can't deny that Ezra has a hold on him...and even though he knows better, he can't help but cling to the hope of a happily-ever-after.DAY 13 of KinktoberWritten for prompts:Vore| Lapdance |Orgy| Drunken Sex
Relationships: Colin Farrell/Ezra Miller, Credence Barebone/Original Percival Graves
Series: Kinktober 2020 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950283
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	it's a bitter world and I'd rather dream

**Author's Note:**

> This one involves straight-up Colezra, guys, and that includes Ezra being Ezra. Please be mindful of the tags. There is no overt abuse to be found here, but Ezra pushes Colin's buttons pretty hard and it is implied that they are willing to pull out a lot of stops to get what they want from Colin (which, in this case, just happens to be really good sex and not much else.)
> 
> Big, big, BIG TW for pressuring/emotional manipulation that may be read as dubious consent or gaslighting -- see end notes for TW spoilers if this is cause for concern.
> 
> A note re: Ezra's pronouns -- Colin always refers to Ezra as "he" in interviews, and as Ezra has stated that they are okay with being called he/him, it would not fall under the heading of misgendering. However, I do understand it may be triggering to nonbinary readers who are *not* okay with gendered pronouns, so fair warning, Colin refers to and thinks of Ezra as "he/him" for the duration of this fic.

“I dare you,” Jenn says with a grin. “I freakin’ _dare you,_ Ezra. Get up and do it.”

“Oh dear God,” Colin and Eddie mutter at the same time. Eddie shoots Colin an apologetic grin. Colin replies with a _what can you do_ shrug.

“Maybe Colin doesn’t want a lap dance,” Alison says patiently, and both Jenn and Ezra pout.

“No, no, let the kids have their fun,” Colin says, because he knows the younger cast sees him as the “cool older guy,” and he doesn’t want to break that illusion. Ezra absolutely lights up, while Eddie protests at the younger castmembers being called _kids_ and Jenn wolf-whistles.

They’ve taken up residence in the nearly-empty hotel bar after an evening shoot, and it’s nearing midnight. A visibly tipsy Ezra is currently snuggled up to Colin like a puppy, his head tucked into Colin’s neck and one leg casually tossed over Colin’s knees, and it was Dan who joked that Ezra may as well be in Colin’s lap, leading to Ezra giggling helplessly and suggesting he should just give Colin a lap dance. And, well. Of course Jenn is not going to let that go.

It’s a nice night, really. The bar is generically fancy in that way that hotel bars are, but the lighting is just dim enough to be pleasant, the mocktails are good (and judging by how much fun Ezra, Katherine, and Eddie seem to be having, the cocktails are too), and Colin likes being with this group of people. He’s not one to go out to clubs so much anymore, but just this little group of casual friends, in a nearly-empty quiet bar…he likes this. He can do this.

Jenn squeals in excitement and pulls a straight-backed chair over to their little knot of couches. Colin, with an exaggerated sigh, lets himself be nudged into it, smiling around at the lot of them as if to say _all good, everything’s cool here._ Ezra stands too quickly and nearly tips over, giggling and flushed, one hand gripping Katherine’s arm while the other tugs at his belt. “Someone play music. Something sexy,” he says, eyes locked on Colin.

The girls all giggle too, and Jenn pulls up something on her phone, that awful overly-girly song from _Fifty Shades of Grey._ Ezra giggles again and tilts his head, listening to the opening bars of the song, and a slow, sexy smile blooms across his face. “Oh, this’ll work just fine.” He circles Colin’s chair like a predator, tongue flicking out over those full lips, and Colin has to fight to keep his face neutral because he’s seen _that look_ and he knows exactly what Ezra is thinking.

Ezra bends over in front of the chair, spreads Colin’s legs with his hands, looking up at him through those long, flickering lashes. With a slow, deliberate smile, he moves up between Colin’s spread knees and moves his hips in a slow figure eight, inches from Colin’s face, and okay, that’s it, being cool is officially out the window at this point.

And then Ezra leans over the chair, hands on Colin’s shoulders and slowly grinds his way down, their hips never touching. Ezra looks deep into Colin’s eyes the whole time, lips curved into a delicate smirk, his whole face radiating _you want to fuck me._ Colin can’t look away and knows this is all for show, just for fun, but there’s something deeply intimate about the way Ezra’s looking at him right now, something that strips away his defenses and leaves him feeling exposed.

Colin knows he needs to pull back, needs to stop before they both end up tipping their hand. But he’s ensnared, held trapped by the gentle hands on his shoulders and the glowing brown eyes staring deeply into his. Ezra stands up straight and slips off his sparkly blazer, leaving a thin, silky pale-blue tank top that shows off what little muscle he managed to retain after losing weight to play the broken, underfed Credence. (But it still looks good on him, because of course it does.) He sinks down again and this time settles himself fully in Colin’s lap, one long, slender leg winding its way around Colin’s waist.

As if in a trance Colin reaches out, hands drifting up on their own, and gently traces the outline of Ezra’s soft, slim chest underneath the thin, satiny fabric of his top. Ezra’s dark eyes smolder and he murmurs, “No touching,” before pushing Colin’s hands away, and Colin lets out a disappointed little _mmph;_ he’s achingly hard now, badly wants to touch his sweet boy, and—

Jenn whistles again, breaking the spell. “Let’s see Credence do _that_ to Mr. Graves,” she quips, and the others laugh.

Colin shakes himself a little. Right…lap dances usually mean no touching. And Colin realizes with a jolt that this does not look playful or platonic anymore.

_You’re an actor. Act, goddamn it._

“All right, sweetheart, I think that’s enough,” he laughs, and gently gathers Ezra up in a tangle of limbs and holds him off. “Come on now. You’ve successfully made everyone blush. The bartender’s giving us a look, now.”

Jenn and Katherine are giggling so hard they’re about to collapse, while Eddie and Dan have both turned bright-red trying to hold in their laughter. Only Alison seems relatively calm, but she’s watching Colin with some concern and he knows his sheepish _just-bros-being-bros_ act is not fooling her at all…though perhaps that’s just because she’s the only other one who isn’t drinking tonight. (He knows she’s only doing that for him, so he won’t feel left out. An innocent and perhaps mildly patronizing gesture, but one he appreciates nevertheless.)

“Let’s end it there on a high note, shall we?” he says. “Come on, Alison, help me wrangle the partiers here to bed. Early call time tomorrow, you know…”

Alison shuttles the girls to their rooms, while Colin is tasked with convincing Eddie, Dan, and Ezra to go to bed. The first two are easy enough, both of them sent off with bro-like slaps to the back and cheerful, too-loud calls of _good night, good night_ that probably wake up the other hotel guests. And then he’s alone with a drunken Ezra, who giggles and clutches his arm and gives him a coquettish look from under those lovely dark lashes. “Did you like your dance?”

“Oh yeah.” Colin gently herds him towards his room. “Come on, love. Let’s talk about this undercover, okay?”

Talking, however, is not what Ezra has in mind. The minute they’re alone he presses Colin against the closed door and kisses him messily, tongue slipping easily past Colin’s willingly-parting lips, hands tangling in his hair, knee pressing between his thighs.

Instinct tells Colin to give in, to melt against the wall and let Ezra take what he wants. Because this is his _soft boy,_ and Colin is so goddamn weak for him it’s not even funny. But even so he can’t shake the feeling of _wrong wrong wrong_ that alarms in his mind when he tastes the liquor on his sweetheart’s lips. “Ezra, love, no,” he reprimands gently, gathering what strength he has and pushing Ezra away. “Not when you’ve been drinking, we’ve talked about this.”

“I’m not _drunk,”_ Ezra says, visibly indignant.

“I know, but you’ve had enough to be impaired and I just—”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go, love, but if you aren’t going to listen when I tell you—”

“We don’t have that much time left here,” Ezra interrupts, looking immensely, heartbreakingly distressed. “And then you’re going home to L.A. and I’m going home to Vermont and we won’t see each other, not like this.”

“But listen, sweetheart…” Colin reaches out and gently takes Ezra’s flushed face in his hands. “We’ll still see you. I’ll come to you,” he promises.

Ezra looks conflicted for a moment, then the pout resumes with a vengeance. “I want you. Please, _please_ stay with me.”

“I don’t think we should—”

“Colin, _please._ You’re so…” Ezra leans in, stretching himself up to his full height so that his whole body is aligned with Colin’s. “Dancing for you earlier…it got me so _hot,_ God, I want you so bad, please…”

Colin bites back a moan as Ezra’s hips roll against his. He feels unsteady and has to grab at Ezra to stay upright (not the best choice, perhaps, considering Ezra is none too steady himself), and then Ezra’s teeth sink into his neck and he can’t help but moan. “Oh God. I am…definitely not strong enough for this,” he sighs, and just like earlier his hands come up of their own accord, this time settling on the slight dip of Ezra’s slender waist. “You’re killing me here, love.”

“Then don’t…don’t fight it,” Ezra pleads quietly, nuzzling his face against Colin’s neck. “Please, I want you to make love to me, I want it so, _so_ bad, Colin, no one does it like you do, _please.”_

And, God. Colin should say no, should lay Ezra down and give him some ibuprofen and pepcid to stave off a hangover, tuck him in and go back to his own room. But again: he is so _stupidly_ weak for Ezra. He’s not going to say he’s in love, because that sounds so cliche and makes him sound more vulnerable than he likes to think of himself, but. Well. The evidence is there.

“Okay, sweetheart.” He holds Ezra close. “Okay…”

~

The combination of alcohol and Ezra’s natural confidence makes it easy to get him out of his clothes. He lies back, utterly relaxed and happy, looking up at Colin through his lashes in a way that makes Colin feel as if his stomach has been thrown into the washer on a spin cycle.

It’s not fair. God, it’s so not fair. Even with that fucked-up haircut Ezra is just beautiful, all long limbs and pale skin and features that are somehow prominent and delicate at the same time. He’s so lovely it hurts to look at him, and Colin half-wonders if Ezra _is_ a wizard, has put him under a spell, because he really doesn’t think he could say no to this boy if he tried.

“Tell me what you want,” he hums as he leans down over Ezra, parts his legs and slides between them. “You want me to touch you, baby? Make you feel good?”

Ezra tilts his head back, a gesture of submission that Colin lets himself believe is real, and lets out a soft little whimpering noise that tugs at Colin’s heart. “Please,” he sighs. “Please, no one’s ever made me feel as good as you do.”

“Well then.” Colin kisses a slow, steady trail down Ezra’s neck, down his chest, over the barely-there swell of his belly, ends with a gentle nip at the inside of a pale thigh. Ezra’s skin is warm and flushed and heartbreakingly soft, and Colin wants to crawl into him and stay there, make a place for himself inside that lithe, beautiful body, carve his name on every rib and sleep with his head pillowed on that steadily-beating heart. He wants to belong to Ezra, wants Ezra to want to belong to him.

“Sweet boy,” he whispers, kissing behind Ezra’s knee. “My sweet boy. God, you’re so fuckin’ pretty.”

He tries to keep up the American accent even when not on set to make it easier to remember during takes, but something about Ezra relaxes him in a strangely intense way, makes him forget things like that, could probably make him forget anything. He thinks sometimes that if Ezra handed him a drink he’d down it without a thought, and that…that is something he _can’t_ think about, because he doesn’t like what it says about him, doesn’t like what it means. If Ezra’s hold over him is that deep it isn’t healthy, and they should stop, and he _knows,_ but—

But the noises his beautiful boy makes when Colin licks a wet stripe up the line of his pretty cock are enough to haunt him, and when he sucks Ezra into his mouth he wants to keep him there, wants to get high off that taste for the rest of his life. He doesn’t bother holding down Ezra’s twitching hips; if Ezra thrusts in a little and it makes him gag, he’ll take it as a compliment. If Ezra is so lost in pleasure he forgets to be gentle, Colin figures he must be doing something right.

His mouth is full of saltwater, precome mixed with his own saliva, and he convulsively swallows which seems to have a delightful impact on Ezra, who cries out and grips a handful of Colin’s hair. Oh, he _likes_ that, he’s always liked it, he knows it’s a cliche to be brought to his knees by a hand in his hair but he can’t help the burst of pleasure that swells in his belly every time Ezra gives it a tug. He knows Ezra is close and he should pull off, make him wait; the climax will be stronger if he makes Ezra wait for it a little, but he knows Ezra wants to come and…well, _whatever princess wants._

(Some things, after all, never really change, do they?)

Colin has always loved giving oral, especially to a partner as wonderfully responsive as Ezra. He feels Ezra tense up, knows he’s on the edge, and moans a little in the back of his throat, lets Ezra feel those vibrations, and feels a rush of exhilarating arousal when it sends his lover over the edge. Satisfaction sweeps through him as he drinks down Ezra’s release, sucking down each drop like it’s the elixir of life.

He crawls up beside the trembling Ezra and strokes a soothing hand across the boy’s stomach. “Easy, love. Just relax. My God, you’re lovely, you know that?” Ezra manages a quivery nod and Colin laughs; Ezra knows he’s hot and he knows he’s spoiled, and he knows that Colin knows it too. “Come here, baby. You're all sleepy now, are you? Want to rest?”

Ezra shakes his head and rolls them over so Colin is fully on top of him. “No, I want you in me.”

And, again, Colin should say no. But he won’t. He knows it’s pointless to try. “All right, love. All right…whatever you want.”

Loose and relaxed from his orgasm (and, very likely, from the six or so shots he had earlier) Ezra is easy to open up, two fingers sliding into him with so little effort Colin wonders if he prepped a bit in advance. And then the look on Ezra’s face catches his eye and he forgets to wonder about anything, and focuses on wringing as much pleasure out of his lover as he can. He stretches Ezra with two, then three, then _four_ fingers, watching in awe as his beautiful boy writhes across the bed and makes noises that ought to be illegal.

“Fuck me,” Ezra begs, head flung back in ecstasy, pushing back against Colin’s fingers. “Oh God, please, _fuck_ it’s so good, oh Colin _Jesus_ I think I—”

He comes again, back arched and lips parted in the most desperate moan, and Colin feels a blurt of precome spill out of his own cock at the sight. Ezra drowning in pleasure is the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen, and he tells him so. “I need to be inside you, baby, God, you’re so hot…”

“Then have me,” Ezra pleads, and of course Colin can’t say no to that.

It starts slow and builds, as it always does. Slipping into Ezra feels like sinking into a warm bath, like falling into bed at the end of a long day. It’s so good, made even more intense by the fact that Colin has been holding out without attending to his own desires for far too long. But it was well worth the wait, because making love to Ezra is so heavenly, Colin thinks he could die right now perfectly content.

 _I love you,_ he thinks but doesn’t say as he speeds up his thrusts, watching Ezra’s eyes flutter, his soft lips part, his slender hips twitch with each push. Ezra’s pleasure fuels his own and Colin speeds up a little more, bracing himself against the headboard as he fucks Ezra harder, deeper, made dizzy by the sound of the guttural moans spilling from his soft boy’s throat.

“You close, sweetheart?” he whispers as he moves faster, makes Ezra shiver and cry out. “You gonna come again for me? Three times in one night, baby, do I make you feel that good?”

“Oh God yes—yes— _yes,”_ Ezra all but sobs, and then arches up so hard he almost bucks Colin off when Colin reaches down between their bodies and strokes his twitching cock.

 _I love you,_ Colin thinks again as he watches Ezra jerk helplessly, a wordless, aching wail spilling from his lips as he comes for the third time, worked up to it by the attention Colin has lavished on him for what feels like hours. “So fucking beautiful, sweetheart,” Colin gasps, and comes inside him, and Ezra twitches and moans again, his eyes rolling back, his entire body quivering.

They sink back to earth together, Colin holding Ezra tightly as if someone might try to take him away. _I love you,_ he thinks again, something suspiciously wet gathering in his eyes. He reluctantly lets the sleepy Ezra go just long enough to get washrags and towels and clean them both off. (He always does this part. He finds it terribly romantic and intimate, gently cleaning the evidence of love-making off his partner’s body, and if he occasionally wishes Ezra would do the same for him, well, that’s something he can keep to himself.)

And then he curls around his soft boy, holds Ezra close as he tucks the blankets up around them. Ezra is already asleep or well on the way, his breathing deep and even and soothing, and Colin lets himself relax, comforted by the weight and warmth of his lover in his arms.

Perhaps, he thinks a little desperately, in an alternate universe, the characters they play have found happiness together. Perhaps Credence found Graves and they are lying together right now, holding each other through a long, cold night just like this one. Perhaps Credence is kissing a worried frown off of Graves’ face at this very moment, Graves holding Credence in his arms exactly the way Colin is holding Ezra.

Except. Unlike Ezra, maybe Credence is open to love, maybe he knows that Graves would do anything, would give up his life for him, and maybe when they make love, instead of lying back and begging, maybe Credence sits in Graves’ lap and lets himself be held, rocking back and forth as they stare into each other’s eyes, Credence holding on like he’ll never let go, whispering tender sweet nothings to Graves, who stares at him in loving worship…

Maybe, Colin thinks a little bitterly, Graves has managed to drill it into Credence’s thick skull that he can be trusted, that he won’t hurt Credence like everyone else did, and maybe Credence doesn’t have to get fucking _drunk_ to convince himself that it’s safe to be vulnerable with Graves.

 _I love you,_ he thinks as he holds Ezra close. _I love you,_ he thinks, but will never, ever say.

**Author's Note:**

> Emotional manipulation/gaslighting/consent TW spoiler: Colin is ready to leave Ezra in their room because he thinks Ezra has had too much alcohol to fully consent to sex. Ezra is lucid enough to contest that implication, and repeatedly begs Colin to stay until he says yes. VERY VERY HEAVY on the manipulation, "no one else makes me feel this way," "we don't have a lot of time together," "what if we never see each other again," etc.


End file.
